Saturday 30 January 2010

an adhd story

jumpin' jack flash twitched his way
onto the adhd spectrum.
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
alienated those around him so
that his impulsiveness repulsed
as he smashed the third telly in a row.
stop it stop it stop it! jack screamed,
as mum flew at him all eyes and teeth -
he protested, it's not my fault that
my chemical messengers are fucked
and i somehow ducked the radar
of behavioural screening.

she nearly split spleen trying to fix him.
no e numbers, no ay carumba, less screen time,
lots of fresh air (and broken tellys).
he went through three primary schools
though admittedly, two of the head's could well
have had 'nob' preceding their name.
little bitty jack even threatened to stab
someone with a compass once.

his condition threatened to send the whole family
over the edge. she sighed, gave in,
fed him ritalin twice a day -
and all at once like magic,
jumpin' jack was a different lad.
loss of appetite and insomnia
were but a small price to pay
for the chemical messengers
boosted in his brain.
fixed, they put jack back in
a box and older brother sam

crept in, took the chance -
stole just 'the odd one'
as a cognitive enhancer
and was an a* student in exams.

adult ballet

one at a time
we pas de chat,
both legs in the air
diagonally,
just as i side-stepped
a sledger at shibden.

dicing with danger elegantly
i dredge a grande jeté
from the recesses,
dust her off
for a laugh
and a gallop.

there's a certain smell
in a studio:

leather shoes and sweat
as we chassé. my body is a tool, none left unturned and minutely examined as my mind re-learns.

Thursday 28 January 2010

the 5k giveaway

http://beta.theconch.com/content/text/if-i-had-the-money--931

If I had the money ...

What I'd do with the wonga if I won the 5K giveaway.

I've put alot of thought into this!

My first thought was obvious; if I won the 5K I'd put it towards my next adventures to faraway climes, using it to cut short the long months of saving it's gonna take to get me there, so that I could sack off Blighty immediately and head straight off to my next stops. First for me would be a serious Yoga course, rising at 4am for meditation and looking out at the mountains everyday in India. It would be a soul cleansing trip and a dream to study Yoga seriously in it's country of origin. I would follow this by a bit of Southern Indian beach life for good measure...

But the big trip, and the place that has captured my imagination and held it for some years - would be Latin America. I'm particularly interested in Chile, Argentina, Peru and then way up in Central America, Guatemala. The Mayans, The Incas, the Amazon, the Andes, Patagonia, and on and on and on ... volunteering, hiking, teaching english, salsa-ing, tango-ing, snowboarding and travelling. The landscapes and possibilities for adventuring are endless. This is the continent I am particularly fascinated by.

During both of these trips, I'd also be doing a bit of research. This is because my dream (along with millions of others out there...) is to write a book. I have the outline of a novel in my mind which you could call a postmodern, coming of age novel. Centred around the life of a 'struggling' young artist of the wannabe-Beat generation and our contemporary, bohemian middle class. As a young woman who has lost her 'artistic vision' she goes on a journey in order to regain it - via experiences amongst 'the common man', with hallucinogenic substances and spiritual enlightenment ... not necessarily in that order. This mammoth undertaking would be intended as a comment on the comforts and confusions of our life of choice in the First World (and the joke's also on me by the way.)

So now I've bored you with that, I'm actually going to say that I've now decided I wouldn't use the money in the afore-mentioned way. For a few reasons - I'm nowhere near novel writing standard yet and I'm actually currently much more interested in poems! But also, I'm now working in a school for AimHigher and doing some part time Youth Work, and I want to give it a while at home to see how I go before I head off again. So then I thought, well hell, I could use the cash to fund several nice trips in my school holidays. Snowboarding in Canada at Easter, six weeks Yoga and hiking in India or snowboarding and wildlife spotting in South America in summer - perhaps a writing course squished in one half term?! Ahh, the luxury of it. Not to mention all the new kit to go with the trips. Sounds like heaven, and all for free! I could go parachuting, climbing and all that shizz on weekends. It'd make for an action packed 2010!

However I've finally realised what it is I'd really like to do with the pennies, if they are by some miracle awarded to me. I currently work for a local charity as a Youth Worker and this experience has been inspiring me more week by week. As I said before, I believe in DIY and would love to utilise my enthusiasm to set something up for the young 'uns - something involving adventure sports ideally, since we all know what valuable experiences these can offer for disaffected and/or disadvantaged individuals. I know the original idea of the giveaway was to give one person a giant leap forward in their chosen sport, but how about giving lots of young people a small but invaluable leap forward in theirs?

Not so long ago I heard about a charity in London that funds trips to the mountains for inner city kids, and I'm now dreaming about setting up something along those lines for kids from my (slightly grim - if you've got a neg head on!) Northern town! It rains, it pours, it's grey and there isn't alot of opportunity. Though the hills round these parts are beautiful, it's not that cool to a teenager and few of them are brought up in the outdoors. If you award me the 5K in the giveaway I would love to use it as the start up of a charity whose eventual aim is to send local Yorkshire youths on trips of a lifetime to learn to ski or snowboard in the mountains!! It wouldn't be easy (might even at times feel like boot camp), but it would be an amazing opportunity and learning curve for kids who might never otherwise have the opportunity.

I realise that this project would involve work for me (and even further fundraising for extra costs - travel and so on), but it's something I feel so passionate about. Inclusion and opportunity, fun and progression leading to self-belief through the great outdoors! Cheesy but I'm a huge believer. This 5K would enable me to start small, setting up trips to the Manchester climbing wall, windsurfing, hiking or parachuting for kids from the school and/or charity I work at. Perhaps three initial projects - one for the school, one for AimHigher aimed at raising aspirations, and one for Himmat which is the local charity I work for? It's all hypothetical right now, but I'm getting excited just thinking about it! Surely there can be no better use for the money than to give it to someone who will use it for the good of young people?! They are the future of adventure sports, as they are the future of everything.

I have my fingers and toes crossed that I will be given this chance to start something positive for my community. Even if it's only a short project for the duration of three trips, I think it would be so worthwhile. We could call it The Conch Project! It would generate interest in the media which would be beneficial for everyone involved. If you have any doubts about my abilities to follow through on this commitment, please check out my previous project (www.shestyles.co.uk ... google or facey us for further info). This was a not for profit event that was conceived of, organised and executed purely for the love of it. The event was hugely successful, professional and a credit to ourselves and our brand partners. This kind of mutually beneficial use of the cash is what I would like to see. I hope you share my vision!

With much love, peace and hope for the future of adventuring,

Izzy Brittain xxx
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Author
shestyles

Screen name
shestyles
Age
24 years old
Location
Halifax, United Kingdom

Tags

* adventure
* charity
* travel
* progression
* fun
* youths
* money
* enjoyment
* inclusion

http://blog.theconch.com/2010/01/28/we-have-a-winner/

pretty amazing eh?!

Wednesday 20 January 2010

busrides and timeslides

six solemn backs of heads
sit serene in solitude,
unique as antique plates
with chips, patterns and histories
but plates all the same.

dust coats my finger as
half-conscious, i collect muck;
a minor detail of matter.
here bus tickets lie like
scattered reminders of time.

the bus carries me to town
by hook or by crook,
and the clock stops as i travel.
there spiritual laws unravel
like knicker elastic,

in rare breaks between
time binding and surreal snakes
of tick-tock watching.
there is silence and potential
in this daily journey.

i gift the bus driver with
a wonky grin, an open-hearted wish,
then rub rank, velvet seats
that stink of piss
with my nail-less fingers.

Tuesday 19 January 2010

le baiser



One knelt,
Neck crooked at uneasy angle,
Expression angelic and
Sleeping face
Cradled in grasping hands
With pianist's fingers.

Autumn leaf hair
With flowers drifting
Amongst the nest,
Spiral pattern on golden cape
And a yellow aura
Draped.

Venetian glass again
With gold, the colour of love?
Can these metallic tones
Be symbolic
Of embrace
In the face of divinity?

I went for a massage
And drew a card:

It said I was 'motivated by love',
And there it was
The print that my family
Use to adorn walls
With ardent amour.
With hope and time it's truth

Shall seep into our rooms
And beds
We presume?
As we lay our heads
With whomever
We choose to rest this night.

Wednesday 13 January 2010

numerology

Life Path; This number represents who you are at birth and the native traits that you will carry with you through life. The most important number that will be discussed here is your Life Path number. The Life Path describes the nature of this journey through life.

4
(4, 13/4, 22/4, 31/4, 40/4)

The Life Path 4 suggests that you entered this plane with a natural genius for planning, fixing, building, and somehow, with practical application and cerebral excellence, making things work. You are one of the most trustworthy, practical, and down-to-earth of individuals; the cornerstone members of society. Indeed, as a Life Path 4, you are a builder of society. The cream of the crop in this Life Path can be a master builder in society. if you are among these highly talented people, you have an idealistic nature which is grounded in practical terms, allowing you to conceive grandiose, far-reaching schemes and carry them through to the end. If you desire and are willing to work for it, you can achieve enormous success, prestige, and fame. Obviously, everyone with a 4 Life Path does not become famous.

All with this Life Path have the ability to take orders and to carry them out with dedication and perseverance and many 4s live and work happily in this context. But so often, the 4 Life Path is the entrepreneur and manager in the community. In either role, you always demand as much from yourself as you do from others, and sometimes a lot more.

You have the kind of will power that is often mistaken for sheer stubbornness. You don't think of yourself as dogged, but your honest beliefs and that ever direct speech makes you come across as completely unremitting. Once a decision is made, it will be followed through to the conclusion, right, wrong, or indifferent. You are very set in your ways and determined to handle things the way you are so certain that they should be handled. Your tenacity of purpose and ability to get the job done borders on obsession. You are a wonderful manager with a great sense of how to get the job done.

You are an excellent organizer and planner because of your innate ability to view things in a very common sense and practical way. This stems from a strong desire to be a perfectionist in your labor. Planning is necessary to avoid errors. It's very likely that a 4 Life Path person invented the to-do list, because it is the rare Life Path 4 who doesn't have one by her side at all times. Your life is programed in an orderly fashion permitting you to catalog and manage the flow of ideas and activities that fill your day. Indeed, you seem to function best when you are under the gun and facing a tough set of problems.

Loyal and devoted, you make the best of your marriage, and you are always the good provider. Friends may be few in number, but you are very close to them and once friendships are made, they often last a lifetime.

The number 4 is solidly associated with the element of earth from which it gains its strength and utter sense of reality. You are one of the most dependable people you know. If patience and determination can ever win, you are sure to achieve great success in life. Often, you are called on to take care of others; to finish what they have started. It may not seem fair and probably isn't, but it may be the key to your accomplishment and reputation.

The negative side of the 4 can prove dogmatic to an excess, narrow-minded, and repressive. A lot of skin-deep people turn you off, and you lack the tact to keep your feelings from being totally clear to all around. Additionally, the negative 4 has a bad tendency to get caught up in the daily routine of affairs, missing the big picture and major opportunities that come along once in a while.

Life Path Periods; The life path has been discussed in very elementary details previously, and the life path period is an addition to this reading that should be taken into account. If we live long enough, we will experience three life path periods. As you progress into this page, think of the readings in terms of a modification or enhancement personalizing the life path reading. These readings do not replace the life path reading, but merely fine tune and customize it to the individual. Because life path periods can vary so widely, the life path we are on becomes complex and motley.

1st Period - Early years: The 6 period produces a need to be needed, and you probably want to help your parents or your brothers, sisters, and friends in whatever way you can. In some cases, this period is one in which the subject is required or somehow forced to take on more than a normal amount of responsibility at an early age. Generally, this early time in the life is marked by obvious attempts to be helpful and even nurturing to others. In early adulthood there is a strong sense of responsibility and caring.

2nd Period - Productive years (beginning in 2018): The 2 lifepath period suggests that you will profit from your ability to work together with others in harmony and cooperation. In these years your ability to use skills in diplomacy and mediation will be pronounced. The affairs of others and their success may be the key to your own advancement. Pushing your own agenda doesn't work as well now. The need is to control hyperactive emotions that may appear from time to time.

3rd Period - Later years: With the 5 period occurring late in life, be prepared for a never ending series of adventures and expansive travel so long as the resources hold out. Actually, however, many with a late life 5 period choose to continue to work because of the sense of freedom found in their endeavors now; so long as the work is not boring or routine, there may be no reason to quit. This influence will continue to send you off to find new challenges and try new things. You are never too old to learn.

2009 Personal Year 1. . . .A New Beginning In Your Life

The current year is the beginning of a new nine year cycle for you. It holds the promise of being an exciting new adventure, with life taking on new challenges that pave the way for the next cycle of nine years in your life. This is a time to clarify your goals and it is a time to act on them. Hard work may be necessary to get a new venture moving. Your physical strength will be up during this year, perhaps higher than it has been for some time, as you have some special needs for this extra energy. If you are unable or unwilling to answer the call to change and make the move in your life the appears necessary now, your prospects may be delayed until the next cycle begins in nine years. Because of this, you feel like an adventure, a major change in your life, something new. New goals should be clearly set and worked toward, as this is really a new beginning of a nine year cycle and it is best not to dwell on the past at this time. This will be fairly easy for you to do because most of the problems and disappointments of the past will tend to disappear, leaving the way open for these new challenges. This is a great time; use it to its full advantage.

2010 Personal Year 2. . . .Development, cooperation, and waiting

This is a number 2 personal year. A personal year 2 is a wait and see time; a year when you will find yourself in the background and very much in a stage of development. This is not a time to force the issue and try to move forward. It is a time for cooperation and building relationships that will benefit you in the future; a year for accumulating and collecting. Aggressiveness will cause problems now. You must be prepared for delays, detours, stoppages and you must be patient. This is a time of small contribution, of helping, and details must be taken care of when they come up. You may give time and effort to further another's work. This year may be a test to your self-control and emotional sensitivities. This is a time to improve your abilities to work with others in a productive way and this can be difficult for you if you have chiefly worked alone in the past. Keep calm, cool, and pleasant. You may experience a degree of nervous tension during this period; the two year brings a tendency to emotional extremes including depression. Very deep relationships with a person of the opposite sex (including marriage) may be more apt to occur during a 2 year. If married, there is apt to be a deepening of feeling in the relationship during a 2 year.

2011 Social Expansion and Creative Success (3)

2012 Hard Work, Slow and Steady Progress (4)

2013 Personal Year 5. . . . Feeling Loose and Free

This is a number 5 year, a year of major change in your life. Horizons are expanded and growth is less impeded. You are likely to make a number of new friends this year as social activities are expanded. This is a year that has brought/will bring excitement and adventure and a good deal more freedom than you have experienced in recent years. This is a time for feeling loose and free; for moving away from old routines in a constructive way. If you became bogged down during this past year, now is the time to seek out new directions.

The problem with a personal year 5 is the tendency to scatter energies in all directions. Your ability to do detail work is limited now and it will make you feel very confined. In all, this a free-wheeling year that is liable to bring major changes to your life; your career, your family situation, your residence.
2014 Love, Family, Home and Responsibility (6)

2015 Analysis and Understanding (7)

2016 Attainment and Gains (8)

2017 Reflection (9)

2018 Next Cycle (1)

Destiny; Destiny is a very descriptive word for the meaning of the this important core element. This is the number that describes the tasks that you must achieve in this lifetime using the name that was given to you by your parents.

The number 6 Destiny suggests that the direction of growth in your lifetime will be toward a greater sense of responsibility, love, and balance. Development in life must make you more helpful, conscientious, and capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You must be a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged.

As the saying goes, charity begins at home, and the home is where you must be a special person. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent, and one who is often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships, particularly close family relationship. A happy home life is the goal of Destiny 6, and if you live up to the promises of this number, you will reap this reward most likely with some degree of luxury and grace.

Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the home and of the community at large. The destiny of the 6 is often a career in medicine, welfare work, education, dealing in the arts, furniture, decorating, landscaping, home construction, religious endeavors, or scientific fields.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. This can include stubbornness, self-righteousness, or dominance. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself, too. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. Many with the Destiny of the number 6 worry much too much. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering.

Soul Urge; the heart's desire, is an important core influence in numerology. However, the Soul Urge falls well below the Lifepath (the birth date number) and Destiny (the full birth name) numbers in importance, because this is a number that you don't expose overtly to those around you. It is your inner cravings, likes and dislikes, which are usually kept rather private. This number denotes what you value most regardless of Life Path (what you are from birth) and expression (what you will become in life). This influence suggests the nature that drives you in your daily life. Satisfying the demands of the Soul Urge will give you a sense of inner peace and contentment.

7
With a 7 Soul Urge, you have a strong inner need to gain a spiritual sense about the world around you. You have an inborn appreciation for nature and the wonders of the world around you. Fulfillment comes with being able to spend time in solitude and in seeking wisdom.
Inner Dream; The sum of the consonants in your name relates a secret dream, your inner desires, or maybe even fantasies. As a modifier, this aspect of your chart may be considered less important than many of the others because often these remote and deep-seated dreams are never realized. Sometimes, however, when this number has a relationship to another core number, the dream can come true. Strangely, this number is also associated with your personality or how people see you on first meetings. This number may be so strong in your subconscious that you even project the trait as a personality mask.

8...You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

Birthday Number; The birthday is a supporting influence added to the Life Path. Think of it as a modifier to the Life Path. These are traits that you brought into this life much as with the more important and dominating traits shown by the Life Path. Here is your birthday and the modifying traits shown by it:

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people.

Planes of Expression; The word expression used here really means activity or how we act. This determination of expression is a product of birth name.
Creative/Adaptable
The combination of most of the letters in the creative and Adaptable mode suggests that you are a person who is inclined toward constant activity, but this activity must provide variety and change. Your efforts are directed at the here and now, but decision-making can sometimes be a problem. You are likely to act immediately on issues that come to your attention, but not without paying attention to the lessons from the past. Sometimes, you may dwell on the past a little too long. Positively expressed, creative letters produce constructive initiative, while the Adaptable tone allows you to always be flexible. You are able to fit easily into most situations, and you produce results wherever you fit in. You are devoted rather than ambitious.
Grounded Absence
Because your chart is void or nearly void in Grounded letters, you may be better at starting things than finishing them. Either you become bored with something soon after beginning it, or you take on so much that you don't have the energy or focus to accomplish anything. You may have difficulty in various aspects of your life, frequently changing jobs, lovers, residences, and even your beliefs and ideas on many of life's weightier issues.

Emotional:
Strong:
The emotional plane is very strong in your makeup. Indeed, your point of view usually contains significant portions of emotion and imagination without much concern for the facts of the matter. It's easy for you to get carried away sometimes. You are very original and creative and you care deeply for causes you embrace. You are extremely sentimental, sympathetic and caring. Your direct expression of friendship, affections and love make it clear where you stand.
Physical:
Weak: Your name suggests that physical or material interests are not paramount in your makeup. You would never pride yourself as being a very practical person. Indeed, your behavior may be anything but realistic and you really don't care. You may actually lack a solid sense of physical discipline and tend to avoid tedious and repetitive work when you can. It's hard for you to turn your many ideas into hard reality. Playing the game and competing at any significant level may be foreign to your nature.
Mental:
Average:
Your name shows substantial strength in the mental plane suggesting that you have the ability to think things through carefully before making a decision. You have little difficulty handling mental activities even when they become technical and complex. You are comfortable in a leadership role, but this may not necessarily be an essential to your well-being.
Intuitive:
Weak: Your name suggests that intuitional or spiritual interests are not paramount in your makeup. So called intuitive awareness, psychic or otherwise spiritual matters aren't of much interest to you as you go about your daily tasks. The idea of developing inwardly pretty much leaves you cold. If there is an inner voice, you don't have much trust in it.
Challenges; Life is not a bed of roses. There are hurdles to get over and mountains to climb. In numerology, the roadblocks faced in life is called the challenges. The Challenge is a weak point in our Life Path. It is the weak link in the chain of life which must be overcome for us to grow and develop properly. We learn by meeting the challenge, and dealing with it effectively. The nature of the challenge is shown in the Life Path.

The numbers behind the final challenge will each be a potential problem during half of the life. The first sub challenge during the first part of the life, and the second sub challenge during the second half of the life. The Final Challenge is a potential weakness and problem throughout the entire life.

Challenge 1: No. 4. The challenge of the number 4 suggests a difficulty with work. Either you simply don't like to work, don't like the work your are forced to do, or you have difficulty completing tasks and working efficiently. You may be careless and lack a sense of practicality. Often this challenge makes it hard to see the forest for the trees when it comes to work and obligations. It is important for you to learn patience, understanding and the practical, common sense way of dealing with mundane responsibilities. You may also need to learn the importance of working within the parameters of a time schedule.

Challenge 2: No. The challenge of the number 3 suggests a tendency to scatter talents and try to do too many things at once during this period of your life. You may have a fine imagination and a gift for words, but you find it hard to express yourself effectively. Though you know you should cultivate friends and be sociable, you tend to be somewhat reclusive and defensive. You may have a talent for writing, acting, or speaking, but you are reluctant to involve yourself with these sorts of activities because you do not like to face the prospects of criticism. You are expressing yourself with a negative emphasis, hiding your creative talents behind a wall of shyness. You must strive to develop yourself in a social and in a creative sense. It's hard to just relax and have a good time.

Challenge 3: No. 1. The challenge of the number 1 suggests you are likely to feel dominated by others with strong influence, probably parents or others with whom you compete. The challenge of the number 1 is avoidance of being dominated, but doing so in a fashion that does not impose upon or dominate others. With the challenge of the number 1 it's extremely important to control the ego, and avoid the negative aspect of individuality. False pride, pomposity, egotism are issues to be guarded against now. You are now in a period of learning about self-reliance and how to solve your own problems independently. Learn to rely on your wit and your intelligence, avoiding argumentation and resentfulness.

Saturday 9 January 2010

dream notes

i don't dream very often. when i do dream, it's usually because there are problems i'm avoiding or escaping from during daylight hours. it's my sleeping mind trying to work out the problems of my consicous mind, so it helps to pay attention to what's going on in my dreams. recently, i've had two bizarre dreams which have woken me up and left me unsettled.

the first was on boxing day. i found the bag i'd lost (in 'reality') with a pair of someone else's dirty knickers in it. not particularly impressed. then the dream jumped to being in a large, ramshackle house which reminded me of himmat. it was a house, but also a curry house. myself and sian were eating there in a fairly cold, empty and bare room. we were aware that some kind of racial unrest was building outside the house and there was an unsettling atmosphere. when i went to the toilets, the toilet paper was that hard, tracing paper stuff that you get in primary school. there was an asian man sat on the next table with a laptop and phone. communication seemed highly relevant and slightly suspicious. he was an intimidating character. when we left the house we heard the sounds of civil unrest! it seemed like a riot was starting, and so we ducked into the house next door.

after this i couldn't get back to sleep at all. eventually i stood up and did some yoga in the dark to calm myself before nodding off again. key themes seemed to be (mis)communication, difference and conflict arising from this. methinks the racism in this dream suggests that i may have been judgemental or discriminatory against somebody - falsely judging somebody because of the way they appear. i am practising non-judgement in my every thought so this is very relevant. it also represents my struggle to communicate thoughts and feelings, my growing unease with technology and instant, electronic modes of communication. there was also an apocolyptic atmosphere in the dream.

the second dream was last night. i don't remember as much detail about this one, since i didn't write it down when i awoke. all i remember is i was at a huge dining table in a restaurant about to eat a big meal. i was with loads of good friends though i can't remember which ones. someone was there who i thought was ben but looked very different in terms of clothes, hair and superficial appearance. this person was lying across the laps of several people on the opposite side of the table, as though there weren't enough chairs (despite the fact that there actually were). then ben arrived in more natural state - but i noticed he was wearing socks and jesus sandals! this is something i can imagine ... At the end of the dream my memory is completely disjointed, but the next thing i knew, a cat jumped onto my shoulder and urinated on me! what the...?!

i think this dream was actually several dreams as i kept waking up and going back to sleep, perhaps this is why it's so disjointed. i'm sure much more happened than i can remember. key themes seemed to be friends, perception of others, relationships. i think the shifting perception of that person and the cat are the main key here. the cat symbolises femininity, sexuality, power and mystery. it represents my own wish to analyse someone who i find difficult to interpret - and the cat urinating on me tells me that i need to forego my wish to control, analyse and understand others! concentrate on my own feet.

this all ties in if you look at snippets of this email i sent recently ...

nice to hear your voice yesterday. struggled not hearing from you over the weekend but time and space to centre myself was much needed and very welcome in end. cheers! hence i shall be laying off the text messages for a bit... tip toes treading carefully and all that. i'm even now finding it difficult to talk on the phone, one day i'll get rid of it.

a few words which the universe drew my attention to at precise moment you contacted me earlier this week;

"the two worst strategic mistakes are acting prematurely or letting an opportunity slip; to avoid this, the warrior treats each situation as if it were unique and never resorts to formulae, recipes or other people's opinions" !!!

poised intently with patience and speed in their respective places - and remembering the book you told me about... the law of least effort and law of detachment! these are lessons i didn't want to learn but now engaged with. not much idea what's going on behind those navy blue eyes of yours but you've been a catalyst for me learning good things.

spiritual growth first and foremost, reminding myself to concentrate on my own feet as i walk...

you should read some krishnamurti, he nearly had me running for the hills again. i've borrowed a couple of his books (on relationship and on freedom) but most of his teachings are also online. have a read; http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/ i'd be really interested to hear what you reckon.

also, i wanted to ask you, remember that night when you were drunk and rambling a bit - when you said you pay more attention to your dreams than when you're awake, did you actually mean that and what exactly did you mean? surely it has to be a balance between your spiritual and physical self? you are placed here as a human being for some reason, no?

i'm seriously trying to rid myself of the smoking especially now... though if what krishnamurti talks about is possible i should be able to free myself of thought process by concentrating and being aware of the actual habit of smoking and so never do it again! just like that. magic. the unconditioned mind. also contemplating moving out, i'm getting too lazy and hemmed in here.

be glad to see you soon if that is what shall be.
love to you lovely xxx

and as a footnote ...

i tend to dream when i am distressed or when there's something i am not facing in my waking life. when i am calm and balanced i simply don't dream. perhaps this is not the case for everybody though? sian said she dreams only when content; that when she has problems she needs to sleep uninterrupted in order to face them in waking life. perhaps this is the difference - perhaps i will eventually find the same. when i am more fully self aware i shan't need to dream to uncover the solution to problems. this makes perfect sense.

Friday 8 January 2010

L.O.V.E

to touch your soul through navy blue pirate's eyes might be love?

however, beware conditional attachment. emotions still rife in a mind tethered to the new wisdom of uncertainty and love, by only the thinnest of silver thread. this could have culminated in a zahir but i nipped the poison ivy in the bud. i've said it before; i want to experience the energy of unconditioned love. where possession doesn't come into it - when you are me, i am you and the world is us. how can this come into it when it concerns floating around with only half a foot in this dimension? i'd be forever envious of the world aside ... and what an interesting mind you have! anyway, we all need to work from the inside outwards.

apparently alcohol exaggerates his neuroticism and confuses his sense of time. such a tenuous link that he can't stop walking, trudging onwards; shaking off the manifestations of negativisms. (sorry, he doesn't believe in isms and neither do i. scrap that, eject it and rewind). which brings me to my next point - i'd prefer not to have a phone, have parted ways with facebook. those are unrealities that are not always healthy. yet he once said he pays more attention to his dreams than his waking life a lot of the time ... i can't grasp this as true. drunk on rum at the time though, so perhaps it wasn't.

back to this boy and he is beautiful. delicate features with a transparency which tell you his heart is good. a good heart and a complex head. i have to decipher and decode a lot of the time, though it's probably me complicating matters equally. we're different coloured lights guiding each other in ways we don't quite understand. we present a challenge with our opposing shades but illuminate the things we need to work on individually. we're teaching and testing each other, this is a good thing so long as it is healthy for both. i keep reminding myself to give, but only where the giving is also increasing my own energy, rather than depleting it.

yesterday we walked in the snow. i was half an hour late due to a last minute dash to make soup and cobble together nourishment for the walk. i also mixed some oils to re-balance his throat chakra - shall be intriguing to see how it works! as we walked through, i was surprised to see hundreds of people out sledging at shibden. it made for a magical, snowy scene and i insisted upon a sledge, although he looked none too keen. good, pure childish fun! i even took off at one point, soaring through crisp air and crashing down on sheet ice. a lovely walk.

when we got to bradford his squat had been locked. a handle-less metal door over the actual door that once opened. he's homeless but seemed to take it in his stride. it's happened and everything in the universe is as it should be. faith, hope and love make me sure that he will find his path... i respect the ability to say 'no' to society. the world needs them desperately, since there are so many that, unquestionning, only ever say 'yes'.

as an afterthought, some inexplicable element of the last few weeks has made me want to read the zahir by paulo coelho again. i have a strange feeling that i'll find things in it that didn't appear to me the first time around. it's beautiful to know that my own soul is guiding me in this way. looking back over the book i am remembering to forget my personal history and connecting much of what he talks about to old krishnamurti. how do i spread the energy of pure love? my soul must be unblemished, despite the years of accumulated knowledge. i must tell my story in minute detail to go past the 'giving up point'. when we manage this, everything changes. there is much to learn in this world, but there is no better place to start 'unlearning' than with love.

Thursday 7 January 2010

on morning (number one)

A faint line of orange glow
Illuminates fields, cars,
The snaking road on slight incline
And the snow above and below.
A monkey tree sections this,
Standing as a huge acorn
With pipe-cleaner branches
Wavering, hesitant, shifting and
Mutating in morning air
Before dry eyes.

Yet the mind is clear,
The silence of a snowy morning being golden
And everything touched with accumulated love
From the night before.
As I sit cross-legged and contemplative
I release my thoughts,
(The thinking woman's pose opposed?)
Breathe them out in unnecessary whirls
Which float towards the window ledge.

Outside, the tips of trees laden
With white dust are barely visible,
High as we are I hope that the thoughts
Will disperse having unhurt;
Ineffectual causes leaving simply
Pure, sweet air behind.
The solitary tweet of a bird
Clears cloudy eyes and I am glad
To witness the first signs of life today.

Tuesday 5 January 2010

new year ramblings

we grasped for sisterhood found amongst mountains; sighing to let go, embracing the present and each other. reconnecting through a shared affinity with the natural world, we enjoyed a muddy, wet walk and utilised instinct to guide us home via synchronicity of a circular route. with feet up by the fireside we also fired (down) real ale, hearty soup and steaming, spiced mulled wine.

i taste, touch and squeeze earthly pleasures and love the illusion.

later, physical bodies bumped in the night, two souls touching like a jeff buckley song. our childish subconscious brought simultaneous belief in everything and nothing - continue to write in the past tense and none are free. believe in anything and none are free, believe in everything and nothing maybe? think i may have been taking everything too literally, but no time will tell i'm afraid.

Saturday 2 January 2010

white birds of freedom

subsidence and snow
could take me down to the
half frozen stream,
and no one would hear me scream
in this wilderness -
except that I would take you with me,
since your hand is outstretched
always ready to help.

here in secretive white, i sink
and arrive nowhere fast
but the solitary act is
excellent as mental exercise.
i remind myself, cautious,
to concentrate on my own trainers,
feet firmly on the path before
and one eye on the water.

the black choppy reservoir
peaks and troughs
like the top of the trifle
i half-made yesterday,
and white birds bob unsteadily
or perch on the outermost edge
with heads turned
imperiously away.